DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents have long been divorced, but over time they became friends.
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All of their children are adults, which made it easier for them to get along — they have less to bicker about now.
My dad asked my mom for a favor a few months ago when he fell on hard times: He asked if he could stay with her until he found a more affordable housing option for himself.
She didn’t like being his first option, so she asked if he’d be able to offer a small fee for the time he’d be with her. He wasn’t in a position to offer a fixed amount, but he agreed to contribute to a bill, groceries and housekeeping whenever he could.
Two months went by, and he didn’t do any of those things.
Then he heard that my mom needed to repaint her living room and kitchen, and he offered to do it for her. My mom agreed, thinking he was finally making good on his offer to contribute.
Once he began painting, he gave my mother an invoice for his services. I am offended!
She paid him and said she doesn’t want to be petty by putting him out. I don’t want to meddle, but I think I should say something to my dad.
— Unpaid Dues
DEAR UNPAID DUES: Your mother should not have paid him. Instead, she should have given him an itemized bill for what she thinks would be fair compensation for his contribution to the household while he was there, from which she might deduct his painting fee.
Yes, you should say something to your father, namely that he took advantage of your mother’s kindness. He should apologize and repay her when he has the funds.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom has always been emotionally distant, and now that I’m an adult, I’m realizing just how much that’s shaped our relationship.
When we were growing up, she wasn’t unkind. She made sure we were fed, clothed and cared for. But she rarely showed affection or talked about feelings.
If I ever brought up something emotional or difficult, she would shut down or change the subject. I learned quickly that vulnerability made her uncomfortable, so I stopped trying.
Now, as an adult, I want a deeper relationship with her. I try to ask her about her life, her past and her emotions, but she either laughs it off or deflects my questions. It feels like there’s a wall between us that I can’t climb over, and I’m left feeling rejected.
My sisters and I have talked about this, and they feel it, too, but we don’t know how to approach her without pushing her away even more.
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How can I have a relationship with someone who avoids closeness?
— Close the Divide
DEAR CLOSE THE DIVIDE: You may have to accept the relationship that you do have with your mother. If she has always been guarded, you are not likely to be able to do anything to get her to change.
You can ask her, of course, and tell her how much you long for emotional intimacy with her. Don’t count on getting it. Instead, build close relationships with your siblings and your friends.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.