DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a woman of a certain age — beyond 50 — and I met a man recently who invited me on a date.
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We had a great time, and we both decided we would like to see each other again.
I was telling one of my girlfriends about him, and it turns out they used to date. She had only nice things to say about him, but it felt weird.
I like my private life to stay private. I don’t know if I like that a potential new love interest of mine was once my friend’s love interest. What if he and I decide to pursue a relationship? Then we would all be hanging out together? I’m not sure how I would handle that.
Do you think I should say something to him about the situation before it has a chance to get serious?
— Past Connections
DEAR PAST CONNECTIONS: The chances that you could meet someone who has dated a friend of yours increases as your life blossoms. That shouldn’t seem weird. It’s probably more natural than anything.
Don’t walk away from him because of that. Instead, tell him that this woman is your friend. Ask him if he is comfortable with continuing to get to know you considering that connection.
You may want to agree not to talk about details of your budding relationship with her, given their past. Honestly, it’s best to grow your bond privately anyway. Friends have a way of meddling, even when it’s unintentional.
If you two hit it off well enough, do welcome him into the fold and see how everybody gets along.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently have become friends with a group of older women. We get along great and have had some wonderful conversations and enjoyable times hanging out together.
The thing is, they have way more time on their hands than I do. They are either fully retired or semi-retired. They have no problem spending a leisurely afternoon having lunch and talking the day away.
I was able to do that a little bit this summer, but I work and have deadlines and responsibilities. I am finding it difficult to make time to stay connected the way that they do.
I don’t want them to feel like I am ignoring them, but I cannot carve out hours and hours every week on weekdays to hang.
How can I get this point across without making them feel bad or stop inviting me to spend time with them?
— Different Clock
DEAR DIFFERENT CLOCK: First, it’s wonderful that you have friends across generations. I do my best to keep people who are younger and older than me in my close orbit. It makes life more interesting and keeps me tapped into what’s going on around me.
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That said, I, too, work — a lot — and have had a similar experience.
What you can do is manage expectations. Be honest about your schedule. Explain that you cannot steal away on a weekday for a leisurely lunch. You have more time on the weekends, but even that is spotty.
If you really want to cultivate this bond, suggest that you get together once a month. That may be manageable for you, even if they gather more frequently. Do your best to honor that monthly commitment.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.