DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about six months now, and things have been going really well.
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The only issue is that while we both live in New York City, he lives in Brooklyn and I live in Washington Heights (Manhattan), and the trip is usually over an hour — sometimes longer if the trains are delayed or rerouted, which happens more often than I’d like.
We both have demanding work schedules, so coordinating time together can be tricky, and it feels like one of us is always sacrificing sleep or rearranging our routine just to travel across the city. On nights when I get home after midnight from visiting him, I wonder if I can realistically keep this up in the long term.
I genuinely care about my boyfriend and enjoy our time together, but the distance sometimes makes our relationship feel more like a logistical puzzle than something spontaneous and fun.
Friends keep telling me that dating across boroughs is like dating long-distance, and I’m starting to see what they mean.
Is it realistic to keep dating someone who lives so far away in this city, or am I setting myself up for future frustration?
— Dating Long-Distance
DEAR DATING LONG-DISTANCE: It’s all about perspective. Yes, it takes a big effort for you two to be together. The same is true for people who live across states, countries and oceans.
While you may lose out on spontaneity, what you can gain from continuing to choose each other is a deepening of your relationship and figuring out if the effort is worth it.
It may not sound like fun, but consider creating a schedule for when you will see each other. You don’t have to schedule what you’re going to do, just that you’ll be together.
At some point, you may also start thinking about how serious this relationship is and whether you want to take it to the next level, i.e., moving closer, living together or even marriage.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents have started dropping hints that when they retire, they’d like to move in with me.
They say it would make financial sense for all of us and that it would be nice to have the family under one roof again.
While I love them dearly and appreciate everything they’ve done for me, the truth is that I’ve always looked forward to having my own independent space. I worked hard to build a life where I can live on my own terms, and the idea of having my parents move in feels overwhelming.
I also worry that if I say yes, it could strain our relationship in ways we haven’t experienced before.
At the same time, I don’t want to hurt their feelings or come across as ungrateful after all the sacrifices they’ve made for me.
How do I set healthy boundaries and gently let them know that I’d prefer to keep my home separate without damaging our relationship? I want to be honest with them, but I’m afraid the conversation could create long-lasting tension.
— Moving In
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DEAR MOVING IN: Think in the long term. When might you welcome your parents into your home? Would you let them live with you if they desperately needed assistance and couldn’t live on their own?
Counter their suggestion with a timeline. Remind them that they raised you to be independent, and you are enjoying that independent life now.
Tell them that you want to live on your own and potentially have a family. Right now you do not like the idea of living with them again. Suggest that you all reevaluate this option later down the line.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.