Dear Eric: My beloved husband of more than 40 years has become something of an embarrassment.
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He has always been careful with his appearance (almost in the vain category). About six years ago, he had a serious illness with dangerous surgery but made an excellent recovery.
Afterward, his weight loss became a weight gain and now, instead of the athletic physique he has always maintained, he has a large gut. He will wear T-shirts that are too small, and when he’s seated, part of his naked middle is exposed for all to see.
I can tolerate this at home, but not when we are around other people.
I have tried gentle reminders that these shirts are too small, mentioning how embarrassed I am, but it makes no difference. He also wears ill-fitting pants in his former waist size which exaggerate the problem.
Otherwise, he keeps up his lengthy morning regime of careful grooming as in the past. His doctors have suggested he lose weight, but nothing has changed.
Can you offer any advice so we can socialize without me cringing?
– Loving But Mortified
Dear Loving: Sometimes with loved ones and friends, the healthiest but hardest thing to do is to say, “this is where he is right now” and to accept that.
You don’t have to love it; you don’t have to like it; some aspects of it can still pose a question in your mind. But, by saying, “this is where he is right now,” you acknowledge that he’s on a journey and it may not be going as fast as you want it, but you’re along for the ride.
It would be surprising if your husband wasn’t having a little trouble adjusting to his new physique, particularly since it developed after a serious illness, which can be traumatic.
There have been a lot of life changes in the last six years, internally and externally. Buying new clothes may feel like an acknowledgment that his life is different or his body is responding in a different way than it has previously. That takes time.
So, when you feel that cringe coming on, try to redirect it into compassion. Sure, it doesn’t look good to you, but is it a crime? It’s not something he’s doing out of spite – not that I think you’re seeing it that way, but it might feel a little like that since you’ve brought it up to no avail. See if you can remove your own feelings from his clothes.
Lastly, you also might want to buy him some new clothes in a new size. You can leave out the embarrassment about the too-small clothes and let these gifts stand on their own. Hopefully, he feels good in them; that’s what’s most important.
Dear Eric: My husband works for an airline and had an emotional affair with a female co-worker. I only found out through less-than-honest means (I went through his phone while he was asleep).
I have started going to long-overdue therapy but am unable to get over the constant paranoia, anxiety and anguish this has caused.
I’m an extremely loyal person who has a very hard time giving up grudges and forgiving people.
What can I do other than therapy to try to fix this? We had a really bad experience with a marriage counselor and it left a bad taste in my husband’s mouth. I can’t really blame him.
I wonder if I will ever be able to truly forgive or trust him again.
– Broken Marriage
Dear Marriage: You wrote “what can I do” to fix things, but it sounds like you’re doing a lot of what you need to do and so the question I have is what you and your husband can do together.
Also, what is your husband doing to tend to his side of the street? Yes, you went through his phone and that wasn’t appropriate, but he has amends to make here, too. What is he doing to heal the relationship with you and to work on himself?
You may have trouble forgiving people, but I’m curious if he has asked for forgiveness and tried to repair what he set wrong. If he hasn’t, you can only go so far.
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I understand the damage that can be done by a less-than-positive therapy experience, but I’m concerned that the path to reconciliation has ended there. Does he want to be forgiven and trusted? Do you want to forgive and trust him? If so, then you both have to try again together.
There are many, many marriage counselors out there, as well as mediators, faith leaders, support groups and more who can help you through this.
It starts with a conversation with him about what he wants, what you want and what you’re going to do, together, to get there.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.