DEAR ABBY: My husband and I had two sons, “Seth” and “Jason,” who were best buddies. Seth passed away a year and a half ago, which has been really hard on us all, but especially on Jason.
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He’s now 17 and in high school. He’s doing OK, but he is still sort of listless and keeps to himself a lot.
My sister’s son, “Matt,” was the same age as Seth. She suggested he come stay with us on school breaks as company and a role model for Jason. She dotes on Matt and implies it’s a sacrifice for her to give up time with him for us.
Her impulse seems sweet, but frankly, I don’t want Matt around Jason. He smokes pot, sleeps most of the day and plays video games the rest of the time. He is not doing well in school and has no ambition. He also drives while he’s high, which I realized when I was visiting them last year.
I told my sister that it was too much to have another kid in the house, but she kept pushing. Now she wants Jason to come stay with them, which I think would be worse.
How do I maintain some distance without telling her directly that I think her kid has some work to do on himself before I want him to be a role model for mine?
— BAD PLAN IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR BAD PLAN: It is not necessary to point out to your sister that her son is an underachieving mess.
Under no circumstances should your son be exposed to Cousin Matt without supervision, because that young man is well on his way down the road to nowhere.
Tell your sister you know she means well, and while you appreciate the spirit in which she has made the offer, no one, including Matt, can substitute for the loss Jason feels for his brother.
DEAR ABBY: I am the oldest son. My problem is, my sisters are taking financial advantage of our mother.
I have worked and been self-sufficient my entire life. I bought my own home. Neither of my sisters seems to want to work or be able to hold a full-time job.
When Dad was alive, he helped them out by buying them homes, but he never gave them money. Now Mom has been paying for home repairs for one sister, and she “loaned” the other sister money to buy a property she wants to build on, despite having no income.
Mom has also been paying the monthly HOA dues on both my sisters’ homes, which is several hundred dollars per month.
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I have told them repeatedly to stop asking Mom for money. She’s a retired teacher who lives on a fixed income, and her savings are now completely gone. How can I get my sisters to quit living off our mother’s life savings?
— DISGUSTED SON IN NEVADA
DEAR SON: By draining your mother’s financial assets, your sisters may have committed what could be considered elder abuse. Elder abuse is a crime.
The best person to help you put an end to this would be a lawyer. The sooner you consult one, the better for your mother.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.