Dear Eric: My mother and I have owned a home together for the last 20 years, following my divorce. When we purchased the home, it was understood that it was only an investment for me.
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I have now met a wonderful man, and we would like to start our lives together. My mother, though, would like us all to live together in the home she and I share. We don’t want that.
My mother would be able to buy a smaller home with her half of the profit, were we to sell our current home. She, however, does not want to move or sell. She loves the house and is very proud of it.
I have explained that I would like to move forward with my boyfriend, so that he and I can start our life together. She wonders why we cannot do that while living together.
I have explained over and over again that this is not what he and I want. She says she will leave when I “throw her out,” which is not at all what I would do.
I would like her to want us to be happy, and to be amenable to moving to a smaller home or even an apartment. Can you help us?
– Trapped
Dear Trapped: Even though the home was an investment for you, after 20 years, it makes sense that your mother has started to feel that it’s home.
Your lives are moving at different speeds, and you have different needs right now. It sounds like she’s trying to come up with a compromise that keeps her from experiencing even more disruption. Because, it should be pointed out, when you move out, that’s going to change a lot of things for her.
Is there a way that her desire to stay in her home and your desire to move to the next stage in your relationship with your boyfriend aren’t in opposition? For instance, can she buy you out of your half of the house, either in full or gradually over time? If you want to move in with your boyfriend, but most of your cash is tied up in the house, is renting together for a year a possibility?
You write that you want her to be happy. Part of that entails acknowledging that while she’s not part of the decision-making process for you and your boyfriend, she has her own life, and home, and relationship with you.
Dear Eric: I have been married to a wonderful woman for many years. She is educated and has many years of practical experience. But if there is anything that makes me “bite the bullet” it’s her interruptions mid-delivery from me.
I have dared to call her out for interrupting me, and she will say I’m taking too long to make a point, even in a short first sentence (because she knows what I am going to say anyway).
I am also educated (engineering) with many years of hands-on and practical experience. My conversational practice is different. I wait things out, actively listening, and by the time the person is done I’ve dismissed what I was going to say lest I have to go back to an earlier point where that person took the conversation and it has changed context.
I don’t interrupt. I will raise a finger. Often, she won’t stop, and I have no desire to rewind the conversation.
So, what say you about communication practices in such an environment? Yup, I’m too passive. But I don’t want an argument about an argument that ignores the original issue.
– Uninterrupted
Dear Uninterrupted: No one person gets to define the rules of a conversation. So even if she’s thinking ahead or, heaven forfend, getting a little bored, that conversation needs to be a two-way exchange you’re building together.
I understand the difficulty of your situation: Talking about how hard it is to talk to each other can be more frustrating than productive.
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Try picking one subject or time to test out a new dynamic. Say, dinner, for instance. You can tell her, “I’d like to tell you a story. You might get ahead of me, but it would be really great if you’d let me get my full thought out. Could you listen?”
Setting the expectation upfront may help her to shift her thinking. This isn’t you “talking badly,” this is an opportunity for connection, and she can modify her behavior and response.
There are a number of conversational prompt card games that couples find helpful, and they might be a good testing area for shifting the dynamic, as well. I particularly like Esther Perel’s card game “Where Should We Begin?” Choose a night, pick a card, and commit to each other that you’re going to listen fully before responding as part of the game.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.