DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is constantly asking me for favors.
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I drive and she doesn’t, so she asks me to take her places or pick her up — frequently. I do so whenever I can because I realize how hard it can be to get around without wheels.
On the flip side, when I need help, she is almost always too busy. For example, we live near each other. Occasionally if I’m running late from work, I will ask her to let my dog out into the backyard — not to walk him, just to let him relieve himself. She will say she doesn’t have time right now.
If I’m entertaining and she’s coming over, too, I might ask her to make her signature dessert to add to the festivities. Nope. Her plate is full, and she can’t help me out.
I’ve got a thousand other examples, but basically she says no almost every time I ask her to help me out. How do I address this without causing more conflict?
— Off Balance
DEAR OFF BALANCE: Tell your friend that you have noticed that she always says no when you ask her for help and that it hurts your feelings. Next time she asks you to do something for her, be unavailable. See if she notices.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend is deeply passionate about international humanitarian work. It’s a huge part of who he is and, honestly, one of the reasons I admire and love him so much.
Recently, he told me he’s planning to move abroad to work in a conflict zone for an extended period. He sees it as an opportunity to make a real impact, and he feels called to be there.
While I admire his courage and commitment, I can’t help but feel overwhelmed with fear.
I’m scared for his safety, of course, but I’m also struggling with what this means for our relationship. I don’t know if I’m emotionally strong enough to live with the constant worry.
Realistically, I don’t think I can just pack up my life and follow him into such an unpredictable situation. I have a career and family ties here, in addition to a lot of anxiety about living in an unstable region.
He hasn’t asked me to come with him, at least not directly, but I can tell he’s hoping I’ll be on board.
Is it selfish to ask someone you love to choose you over their purpose?
— His Adventure
DEAR HIS ADVENTURE: You haven’t mentioned your ages, but I imagine that you both are young and at the beginning of your adult lives. This is the time to explore and to discover what you want for your life.
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Harriette Cole: Does a wife need to stay in this kind of marriage?
While nothing is guaranteed, if you and your boyfriend feel committed to each other, why not make a plan that gives him space to pursue his dreams while you do the same where you are? Rather than worrying about his every move, trust that he will do the best he can to be safe wherever he goes.
Tell him that you do not feel comfortable joining him, but you hope that the two of you can stay together even as he goes off exploring.
I don’t recommend asking him to choose you over his purpose. Give him space to experience his passion and see what happens next. If there is a chance for the two of you to build a life together, you need to allow each other to fulfill your individual dreams as well as your shared ones.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.