Dear Eric: Sarah and I have been friends for 20 years. In that time, our families have become close, even going on holiday together several times.
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Initially, I was a stay-at-home mom, like she is, but now I hold a job where I keep very long hours and am responsible for the welfare of more than a hundred very vulnerable people.
I have tried to keep in touch, even as my life has become busier, and it tends to fall to me to organize get-togethers.
In the last year, I have experienced the loss of a parent. Now I am supporting my remaining parent, who is in rapidly declining health, as well as paying bills and arranging home care. This requires frequent visits several hundred miles away. My husband has also had significant health concerns and has required a great deal of support. Sarah is aware of all of this.
Two months ago, I received a text from Sarah berating me for my lack of attention. She said that if we could make time for each other when the kids were small and life was busier, then she didn’t understand why I wasn’t making time for her now. Eric, my life has never been so busy!
I replied as kindly as I could and offered several suggestions for us to catch up, including inviting her to my home for dinner. I have had no response since.
My instinct is telling me that this isn’t friendship, and that I should quietly walk away and focus on the many other worries and responsibilities that I have.
Sarah is very volatile – she once cut me off for more than a year due to an imaginary slight. However, I really do care about her, and I am worried that she is genuinely hurting.
Am I in the wrong here? Should I try again to reach out? Or do I accept that more than 20 years of friendship are now over?
– Overwhelmed
Dear Overwhelmed: Trust your instincts. Sarah may, indeed, be hurting, but it isn’t because of anything you’ve done. Moreover, by taking that hurt out on you, she’s created chaos when what you need is care.
She’s not being a good friend right now and I’m sorry for that because you need a friend. What you’re going through is incredibly tough and taxing. These periods in our lives require the empathy and active support of those who love us.
Though it’s unfair, take her recent silence as a gift. At some point, when you have more bandwidth, you may want to talk with her about how her behavior affected you. And I hope she’s able to make amends. But right now, focus your energy on people who can show up for you and help you carry your load.
Dear Eric: I have two sons in their early 30s. Recently, my older son became engaged to a wonderful woman the same age, whom I love as a daughter.
While our relationships are good, I have found that my desire for close family bonds has gotten stronger as I get older, especially in the past several years when I’ve been living several hours’ travel away from my blood family. I really want to keep an active interchange going with all three. At the same time, I don’t want to seem like Mama hanging over them.
How do I figure out the right frequency for casual texts, shares, etc.? What else can I do to stay part of their lives? I want to be a warm and welcome presence, not a drag.
– Boundary-Loving Mom
Dear Mom: This is such a lovely concern, and because it’s rooted in love (and good boundaries), I suspect you have less to fear than you might think.
What’s most important to remember is that you are an equal part of the mother-son relationship and you can ask for what you need.
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Yes, your sons are continuing to expand and establish their lives, but you’re still a part of those lives. And, likely, a very welcome one at that.
Good relationships thrive on clear, open communication. Sometimes that means calling, texting or visiting when you want to and letting them adjust the cadence as need be. Other times, that means having a conversation about what level of contact feels good for everyone involved. Maybe you’ll find that they aren’t big on texts but welcome phone calls, or vice versa.
You’re not a burden. And it will be easier for your sons to keep showing you their love if you let them know how life is changing for you, just as they’re letting you know how life is changing for them. Keep talking to them, keep listening to what they’re asking for and keep sharing what you need to feel loved and supported, as well.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.