Dear Eric: My 31-year-old daughter, Lauren, is relocating to California and taking only what fits in her car.
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She’s embracing a minimalist lifestyle and recently told me there’s nothing she wants me to pass down to her.
I’ll admit I was shocked. She’s the youngest in my bloodline, and I always imagined certain heirlooms or sentimental items going to her.
I have two granddaughters from my stepdaughter, Rachel (age 32). I’m very close with both girls and have spent a lot of time with them throughout their lives. Rachel, the girls and their grandmother (my stepdaughter’s mom) all live together. I also have a 5-year-old granddaughter from my stepson.
I plan to box up Lauren’s personal mementos and let her decide what to keep or discard – that feels like a reasonable boundary. But I’m struggling with what to do about my heirlooms, the things I imagined would carry forward as part of my family’s story.
Do I offer them to Lauren first out of respect for her place as my biological daughter, even if she seems uninterested? Or is it OK to start thinking about passing things on to the step-grandchildren I feel close to, who might actually value them?
I’m not dead yet, but I’d rather see these things appreciated than left in limbo.
How do I navigate this without forcing sentiment where it’s not wanted, but also not letting meaningful items disappear unceremoniously?
– Looking Ahead
Dear Looking Ahead: Thinking about this in advance is a wonderful idea and a beautiful sentiment. It’s also quite loving that you’re acknowledging what Lauren needs/wants and you aren’t taking it personally.
It can be hard when kids don’t want or don’t have room for heirlooms or mementos. I’m glad that you’re finding other ways of honoring your family history.
Because you’ve laid such a healthy groundwork, you can move forward with giving them to your stepchildren and grandchildren.
As you do, chat with Lauren about your plan. It’s good to check in, so that she doesn’t feel blindsided, but, more importantly, it’s good to express your own needs – the need to distribute heirlooms. This way, the inheritance becomes clear channels of communication that allow you both to make informed decisions and to help you to support each other.
Dear Eric: I am writing for advice concerning a 20-year-old problem.
I am one of six friends who gather each summer. We are lifelong friends in our late 60s who live all over the country. We treasure these annual gatherings of connection, laughter, support and love.
One person consistently and completely takes over group conversations with long-winded stories that focus on her life and people we don’t know. The situation has become a burden, so much so that two of the group want to stop coming to our annual reunions.
Over the years we have tried to gently stop the soliloquies by encouraging topics to include everyone, but this does not last long. In recent years, our patience has been wearing thin. One year one of us brought a box of “deep life questions” for us to discuss during the week and established the rule that no one could talk while the one person was answering. This helped, but felt a bit artificial for people who have been friends for more than 55 years.
The “conversation buster” is very sensitive and gets her feelings hurt easily. We care for her and value our friendship but have grown weary of her dominance. The five of us have discussed the situation at length and recognize our own responsibility in letting this happen over the years.
What advice do you have for us to restore the conversation equilibrium and enjoyment of our time together?
– Ear-Weary Friends
Dear Friends: I have good news and bad news. The bad news: After 20 years, I’m not sure that equilibrium restoration is possible. Was it ever present?
It sounds like the group has formed around your sixth friend’s loquaciousness, or at least in spite of it. Is it realistic to hope that your sixth friend will completely change the way she interacts with you? She may have decided, all evidence to the contrary, that this is what you like.
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The good news: After 20 years, you have a lot of goodwill banked. Now, yes, she is sensitive, but I believe you can be a little less gentle without being less kind.
You can have a one-on-one conversation with her before your next gathering and use “I” statements like “I sometimes find it hard to get a word in or to feel like we’re in conversation.” You can ask her if she’d feel all right about you being more assertive about a redirect.
And should all else fail, the group can call it out in the moment and directly ask her to change course.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.