DEAR HARRIETTE: As we all know, there’s a lot of controversy happening in the world lately, which often makes for heated discussions.
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The other day, a few neighbors and I were in the common room of our building, talking about some of the maintenance issues we’ve experienced in the building. Out of nowhere, one guy began sharing his thoughts on immigration.
I am cordial with my neighbors but not close with any of them. I was completely caught off guard, and so were other people in the room. While I know not all of us share the same views on immigration, I knew at that moment that most of us didn’t even want to broach the topic.
What is a respectful way to end these kinds of politically charged conversations?
— Avoiding Politics
DEAR AVOIDING POLITICS: It is OK to speak up in a group like that — especially with your neighbors — and ask for that line of discussion to end.
You can say: “Let’s agree to keep political topics off the table here. This is a sensitive subject, and I’m sure among us there are many opinions, but this is home. Let’s keep it a safe space by making it a politically neutral zone.”
If he or someone else were to push back, you could push, too, and add that the group was talking about something else before he interjected this unwelcome topic.
Similarly, whenever someone introduces a subject that offends you or you don’t want to entertain, be ready to ask them to change the topic. You can do that.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Nearly a decade ago, my husband was diagnosed with early-onset dementia. He has been rapidly declining for the past couple of years.
We were in our early 50s when he was diagnosed, and he had apparently been dealing with it for years already.
As things got worse for him, I assumed the role of his caretaker, and the wife in me quickly slipped away. Unfortunately, his health got to a point where we had to put him in a care home.
I know this may sound selfish, but after years of feeling alone, I have been contemplating dating again.
We are still married, but sadly my husband is not himself anymore. He has lost his ability to speak and hasn’t recognized me for a long time.
Why do I feel like I am betraying him when I consider dating again?
— Wife’s Guilt
DEAR WIFE’S GUILT: You are craving companionship. From what I have read, this can be difficult for caregivers of dementia patients.
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First, I’d suggest you engage a therapist. Talk through your feelings, and then do what the experts recommend: join a support group to safely express your feelings, talk to family to let them know what you are thinking and make a decision that you can live with that helps you to cope and live your life.
This is difficult, as you know. You can expect that some people will judge you on your actions.
Get the blessing of your loved ones if you can. That can help you take the steps you need to care for yourself. Learn more in this news article about partners of Alzheimer’s patients.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.