Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for 56 years, and we’ve been retired for 11 years.
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I was a teacher and always had to be on time due to responsibility toward my students and professional etiquette. My husband was an engineer and did not have to follow strict rules about being on time.
My husband has issues with his eyes and has not driven for six years.
My problem is that he is never on time, no matter where we are going. It has come to a stage that whenever we go out, whether it is to the gym or for a social occasion, we end up having an argument. He also constantly keeps making remarks about my speed, etc. This makes my blood pressure shoot up.
My medication has been tripled. I am at my wits’ end. Please help.
—Frustrated Driver
Dear Driver: First things first, we’ve got to keep you safe.
While high blood pressure itself doesn’t, generally, impair your ability to drive, distracted driving, distressed driving and driving while being constantly needled by a backseat driver can create an unsafe situation.
So, please make it clear to your husband that this level of conflict is not going to work. If he has a comment, he needs to hold it until you’re off the road (or hold it forever, honestly). Be firm about this.
It seems, also, that part of the conflict is rooted in your frustration about his lateness. After 56 years of marriage, some things might need to be accepted and worked around.
If you want to leave at a certain time, you might tell him a time well before your actual time. Or you might say that you’re leaving whether he’s ready or not, and he can call a cab or get a ride with a friend.
You both feel trapped in this situation and that’s adding tension. By being realistic about what each of you can change or adapt, and what each of you needs to be safe, you can clear the air a bit.
Dear Eric: My younger brother “Mick” has been a heavy beer drinker for at least three decades.
He had a high-stress career, and when he retired, his drinking escalated. He received a DUI which resulted in court-ordered mandatory AA meetings for one year. The court also had a blow-and-go breathalyzer installed in his truck for three years.
Now he stays isolated in his trailer and drinks from sunup to sundown. And he’s very sensitive to people commenting on his drinking. He doesn’t see the problem.
Two years ago, he started calling me. At first the calls were spaced out every other month, but they came in the early evening when he was soused, so conversation was challenging.
Now the calls are nearly every day, sometimes two or three times a day. It seems that I am his only social outlet and I’m ready to scream.
I put the phone on speaker because these calls last for two to three hours. He drones on with memories of his career, his challenges as a supervisor, family drama. I can hear him popping open beer cans every 15 to 20 minutes.
The only boundaries I’ve set are not to answer if I’m driving or running errands. I also don’t answer if it’s past 8 p.m. Last week his first call came in at 7 a.m.
Can you think of other boundaries that I could use?
– Ready to Scream
Dear Ready: Why, yes, I most certainly can. Decide when you can handle a phone call and for how long and tell him that’s his designated time. Perhaps it’s once a week for 15 minutes. It’s fine to set a timer, even.
When it’s not one of the designated times, consider having your phone silence any calls you get from him.
When you tell him the new schedule, you can also be honest with him about how the calls are affecting you and the concerning behavior you’ve noticed. He needs to hear the truth.
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My heart goes out to Mick, who is in the grips of addiction. I’m sorry that AA didn’t work for him when it was mandated. I hope that he’ll give it or SMART Recovery or another method for treating addiction a try. He’s sensitive about comments because, despite his protests, he knows there’s a problem. It’s clearly negatively affecting his life
And these phone calls are negatively affecting your life. He may think they’re innocuous, even friendly, but the incessant, one-sided nature makes them seem more like a part of his addiction. He’s refusing to see the way his behavior impacts others.
It’s best for you and for Mick if you put an end to it.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.