DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m an adult with physical and emotional disabilities, and I live with my caregiver.
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I have an older friend who is a very sweet person with good intentions, but I feel like she doesn’t really understand my needs. Among other things, I have a catheter and use a wheelchair.
She often says she wants to “take me out on the town” to “get crazy.” So far, she’s never followed through with any of these invitations, but every time she brings it up, I feel very uncomfortable.
I absolutely do not want to go anywhere with her!
Tonight, when we were out to dinner with my family, she asked me to go somewhere another time. I didn’t know what to do, so I just smiled and said it sounded like fun.
Is there a polite way to decline her invitations so she’ll stop asking me?
GENTLE READER: “Of course, I would love to go out on the town with you. Let’s get crazy!
“So here’s what needs to happen: We have to call Maria, my caregiver, and make sure that she is available. Hopefully she can get a van big enough for the three of us, my wheelchair and my service dog, Chief. Then let’s call the club and make sure they have wheelchair access, both in front and from the parking lot.
“Oh, first, let’s make sure they have a parking lot, since I won’t be able to wheel very far from the van. Of course, we’ll have to go on a night when it’s not too crowded so that the dance floor has clearance for me and Chief to wheel around — and a wide berth for all my accessories.
“We’ll also want to check that it’s OK for me to bring in my own food and drink …”
Miss Manners feels certain that you will not have to get much further than the second sentence before your friend realizes what she is asking, starts to panic and retreats. If she does not, you can always say, “I was joking, Meredith. Obviously it’s a little hard for me to be spontaneous, but I enjoy spending time with you. Perhaps we can do that without ‘getting crazy.’”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father has moved into an assisted living facility, where residents each have their own rooms or small apartments.
Some leave their doors open to the hallway, and I wonder if it’s appropriate to greet them when passing by their rooms as I visit my father.
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They might appreciate a cheery “hello” or a wave from the hallway, but would that be intruding on their privacy? If I walk by with my eyes averted, am I sending a message that their presence is not important? What would Miss Manners recommend?
GENTLE READER: Is there an option between gawking at these tenants as you pass by and fervently looking away as though they were inmates who committed a crime?
Miss Manners suggests you try spontaneity and not overthink the situation. If you happen to make eye contact, a shy, endearing smile is fine. But if they do not return your gaze, keep it moving.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.