DEAR MISS MANNERS: I entered the elevator in my office building with a man and a woman, both in their 20s.
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There was another lady coming towards the elevator, so I held the door. She ultimately took the stairs. I apologized for the delay to the two others in the elevator.
The man then said he would not have held the elevator for that lady, and the woman said the same. The man then told me I was “too nice”!
I was stunned, to say the least. I didn’t have the presence of mind to respond, and just faced the elevator door until we exited.
What, if anything, would you have said?
GENTLE READER: “Oh, dear, that is a problem nowadays — people being too nice and showing too much consideration for others. Do please forgive me.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Dinner parties and entertaining are not the only currencies of friendship.
I frequently gave rides to a friend of mine, who later bought a nice home and began hosting dinner parties. I assumed she was throwing these dinners as thank-yous for those of us who had chauffeured her around for decades, but no — she was bummed that I was not reciprocating dinner for dinner.
When I said that my home is not suitable for entertaining, she suggested a picnic.
I am also annoyed that when I was organizing picnics and events for our group some years back, she didn’t attend. Apparently she thought she was supposed to step away from our group if she was not in a position to reciprocate invitations.
There are many kinds of support, including helping the hostess with cleanup, pet-sitting, listening and helping with problems, and showing up when invited. In today’s busy world, some of your advice seems narrowly focused on entertaining and invitations as the sole currencies of friendship.
GENTLE READER: That you have a point, Miss Manners acknowledges. Many people do not entertain these days, and those who do are getting fed up with the lack of reciprocity.
But most of what you suggest as reciprocation is just being a good guest or a good friend. You don’t seem to understand that your friend would like to go out once in a while.
And when she suggested a picnic, she was countering your excuse that your home is “not suitable for entertaining.” She is not looking for anything fancy, merely the warmth of being invited into a friend’s home.
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But yes, there are other ways of reciprocating: Restaurant meals. Presents beyond just handing over a bottle of wine as if it were the price of admission. Perhaps tracking down an out-of-print book your friend has been trying to find. Reliable driving — meaning not just taking her where you were going yourself, but being available for her medical appointments or other activities. Maybe subscriptions for specialty food deliveries.
She is your friend; you should be able to think of some way of showing that you are not just on the take in this friendship.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.