DEAR HARRIETTE: My book club started a couple of years ago as a fun way to connect with people while also keeping myself accountable to read more.
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In the beginning, we had thoughtful discussions about the books we picked, and I looked forward to hearing different perspectives. Lately, the meetings have shifted into more of a social gathering where the book barely gets mentioned. Instead, most of the night revolves around wine, snacks and catching up on everyone’s personal drama.
While I enjoy the company, I miss the actual book discussions that originally drew me to the group.
I feel like the odd one out for wanting to stay on topic, and I worry that if I bring it up, I’ll come across as uptight. At the same time, I don’t want to keep committing time to something that doesn’t give me what I signed up for.
Sometimes I leave the meetings feeling disconnected and like my interests don’t matter. I just want to enjoy the social aspect without sacrificing the love of reading that took me there in the first place.
Should I speak up about wanting more structured conversations, or should I accept that the group has evolved into something different and find another outlet for my love of reading?
— No More Reading
DEAR NO MORE READING: Speak up and say you miss the rich discussions about the book at your next meeting. Ask a few members individually to see if others share your view. If so, request a vote to see if members will consider going back to spending an allotted time on book discussion before socializing.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My friends are always pulling out their phones to take photos whenever we hang out, whether it’s at dinner, a casual walk or even just hanging out at someone’s apartment.
I know it’s normal these days, but I hate being in photos because I feel awkward and self-conscious in front of the camera. I never like how I look in photos, and instead of enjoying the moment, I get stressed trying to pose or wondering if I look bad.
It’s gotten to the point where I sometimes dread social plans because I know a photo shoot will inevitably happen, and I feel pressure to participate so I don’t come off as antisocial or the “boring” friend.
How do I set boundaries around not wanting to take pictures without making my friends feel like I’m rejecting them? I want to be part of the group and enjoy our time together, but I also want to feel comfortable and not forced into something that makes me anxious.
Is there a way to compromise so they can capture memories while I don’t feel so exposed?
— No More Paparazzi
DEAR NO MORE PAPARAZZI: Let your friends know that you love them, but you do not want to be in a constant photo shoot.
When the cellphone cameras whip out, step out of the frame. Turn around. Walk away. You can do that without too much fuss so as not to disrupt the moment.
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You can also draw the line. If it’s late, tell them you don’t want any photos “after hours.”
I have a friend who requests no photos on the beach. When people do pull out their cameras, they know not to include her.
It is OK to stand up for yourself, though you may still find yourself in a photo or two.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.