Dear Eric: I work in a small aquarium with a close friend of mine named Tom. Because my wife is in the late stages of pregnancy, I often take my youngest to the aquarium and leave her by the touch tanks while I work.
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This has caused some disputes between Tom and me, as he worries about leaving her unattended around the fish.
Both of my children have always been very empathetic and careful around animals and have never caused any problems until recently.
Tom is very attached to the fish in our aquarium and often gives them special names. Recently, when I left my daughter by the touch tank while I spoke with some customers, she attempted to pick up a starfish and damaged one of its arms. When Tom noticed this, he yelled at her quite loudly and made her cry, causing her to drop the starfish and injuring it further.
He has since refused to speak with me and has sent several emails to our boss suggesting that I ought to be disciplined and my daughter banned.
I personally feel that he has overreacted and am hurt by his choice to prioritize a starfish over our many years of friendship. What can I do?
– Confused Parent
Dear Parent: To gain some perspective, let’s think how this situation would play out if you weren’t an employee.
Is the touch tank set up for children to interact with it safely without adult supervision? Is there a staff member assigned to the touch tank to protect the fish and the children? Is the aquarium a place where children who are left unattended, even temporarily, can move about freely without putting themselves, others, or the fish at risk?
It’s likely that Tom’s frustrations are rooted not only in his concern for the starfish, but also in an annoyance at a double standard. If you wouldn’t tolerate this behavior from a patron, is it fair to ask Tom or the rest of your co-workers to tolerate it from you?
That said, child care can be expensive and hard to find. I understand your solution. Moving forward, you’ll need to talk through your plan with your supervisors and your co-workers first.
It’s possible that this workplace can help you to keep your child occupied safely, but right now it seems that there are some assumptions being made on your part about the organization’s capacity, and that’s creating tension in your personal relationship with Tom.
Dear Eric: I have been friends with “Betty” for many years. For a time we were extremely close.
I had begun to feel distant before she and her family moved out of state a few years ago. I felt obligated to remain close because she helped me through things.
It was easier once they moved out of state. I visited them a couple of times, but after the last time, I lost the desire to visit again.
Recently, she sent me a video that she found humorous. It had religious content, and I took offense, because it poked fun at men and how they are worthless. I did let her know I was offended. She claims to be a Christian, but that video is a contradiction.
I’m thinking of further distancing from this friendship. What do you think?
– Stepping Away
Dear Stepping Away: Respectfully, I think you might be looking for a reason to step away when, in reality, the reason is just that you’ve grown apart.
Even if the video was offensive and serves as evidence of a growing disconnect between you, it’s healthier not to make it the center of the issue. Instead, you can have a conversation about the state of the friendship. Like every other relationship, friendships evolve, connections fade, ties untie and re-tie.
Talking to Betty about the places where you’ve grown apart might feel awkward at first, but it will give you both the opportunity to be intentional about your language so that no one misunderstands. It also allows for the both of you to care for each other, even as you step away from each other.
Dear Eric: I wrote to you in January (“Joyful Grandmother”) about my husband’s immature behavior about being a step-grandfather to my young grandson.
After your response, I had a long talk with him, without shaming.
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Recently the whole family visited, with grandkids sleeping over. He was fully engaged with them and with my sons. He couldn’t resist the 2½-year-old with big blue eyes calling him Grandpa.
I feel I had to help him move past the grief about losing his beloved grandmother and feeling unlovable. We all can grow if encouraged. Thank you!
– Joyful Grandmother
Dear Grandmother: I’m so very happy to receive this update. And what a beautiful (and true) sentiment – with encouragement, so much growth is possible.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.