DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents and adult siblings are planning a big trip together, and they’re all really excited about it. They’ve been talking about it for months, and it feels like everyone expects me to be fully on board.
The problem is, I don’t have enough vacation days to go for the full two weeks, and when I suggested coming for just part of the trip, they started guilt-tripping me to take unpaid leave to make it work.
I simply can’t afford to lose that much income right now. It’s starting to make me feel anxious and torn.
I want to spend time with them and make memories, but I also need to be responsible about my money, my career and my personal boundaries.
I feel like no matter what I do — joining for a shorter portion, maybe helping plan some activities from home — it won’t be enough for them. At the same time, I can’t risk my financial stability or my work performance.
How do I set boundaries without feeling guilty or being seen as the “bad” family member?
— Odd Sibling Out
DEAR ODD SIBLING OUT: Talk to your family directly. Clarify that as much as you want to join them for the duration of the trip, you cannot afford to take unpaid leave. Tell them what you can do, and leave it at that.
Offer to book the part of the trip that you can afford. If that is unacceptable to them, don’t go at all.
DEAR HARRIETTE: About a month ago, I reconnected with an old friend from college. I was visiting his city, and we bumped into each other and have been talking ever since.
He made plans to come visit me and will be here next week. I’ve never dated long-distance before, so being able to go out and do things together is ideal — but he didn’t consult me before deciding to visit.
Despite how much I like getting to know him again, it felt hasty that he would invite himself, purchase a plane ticket, book a place to stay and rent a car without asking me first. He’ll be here from Sunday to Wednesday, and I work on weekdays. Also, his hotel is about 40 minutes from where I live.
This all seems poorly planned and a bit too much for me, and I’m not really looking forward to this visit. Am I overreacting?
— Moving Too Fast
DEAR MOVING TOO FAST: It sounds like this man really likes you and wants to spend time with you in person. There’s something sweet and intentional about that, even if it is pushy.
Rather than pushing back, give him a chance.
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He is attempting to be respectful. He didn’t say he was coming and wanted to stay in your house. He is making it as easy as possible to be in your company. Should he have asked you first? Yes. Should he have planned days that work best for you? Yes.
You can remind him that you have to work most of the time he will be in town, and you probably cannot hang out every night. Still, make an effort to spend time with him so you can see if building a bond with him is worth it.
When in person, you can eventually tell him in a gentle way that you found his gesture a bit too forward — but don’t start with that.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.