DEAR HARRIETTE: When I was applying for jobs after college, I said I was open to positions all over the United States.
I ended up getting an amazing offer, and I moved away from home and my family. I didn’t think it was a big deal since I had gone away for college.
It’s been three years since I moved, and I know my family’s preference is for me to be in my hometown. For the past few years, I assumed that is just how most parents are when their kid moves away, but it’s beginning to bother me.
I went back home to visit this summer, and my mother admitted that she still hasn’t “forgiven” me for moving away. I think she thought her transparency would make me more sympathetic to her feelings, but it only made me angry.
It’s hard enough starting over in a new place all alone. Why is my mom trying to make me feel guilty, too?
— Homesick
DEAR HOMESICK: Your mom just misses you and is dealing with her raw feelings. Tell her you miss her but you are working hard to build your life. Let her know you need her support more than her criticism.
She raised you to be an independent person, and that’s who you are becoming. Ask her to stop berating you.
In turn, promise to call her more and visit whenever you can.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m trying to manage my social life as an adult and explore new ways to make friends.
I always made friends at school, with kids in my grade or from my classes, but now navigating the real world on my own, without proximity and closed environments to steer the way, has been challenging.
An acquaintance invited me to a gathering at his home over the weekend. We don’t have many friends in common, so I invited a friend, who ended up canceling at the last minute. I wanted to honor the invite, so I decided I should still go and thank him for including me.
When I got there, I spoke to the host briefly, but he was busy with all of his other guests, so I ended up hanging around solo. I wanted to join conversations and feel included, but I didn’t know how to hop in naturally. I ended up feeling so awkward and uncomfortable that I left after an hour.
Do you have any tips for navigating conversations with new faces?
— Socially Awkward
DEAR SOCIALLY AWKWARD: You had the right idea — bring a friend to help ease into new conversations with people you don’t know. Sadly, that didn’t work out this time.
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What you can do to get comfortable around new people is to put yourself in the mix and then listen. Walk up and join a group of people who may be talking. Usually, they will make space for a new person (unless they are having a private or heated conversation). If they pause to look at you, say your name and that you are new to the area. Then listen to what they have to say.
Notice if there are any intersections of interest or similarity when they speak. If so, offer how you relate to them. Be OK with mainly listening.
Over time, you will notice people who appeal to you. Don’t give up next time. Stick around.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.