DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of mine asked me for a referral at my company.
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About a year and a half ago, she dropped out of college toward the end of her junior year. She’s never been transparent about why, but now she says she’s ready to “pave her own way.” Since she left school, she hasn’t been able to secure a job.
She’s reached out to her network, and it seems like a few people have done due diligence to help her and create opportunities for her. She won’t admit it, but I’m hearing from all these helping hands that she showed up late to interviews, didn’t send her résumé when requested and even failed a drug test.
Now she has come to me for help, and I told her I’d let her know. The truth is that I’d prefer not to put my name on the line for someone who is apparently irresponsible.
How can I be honest with my friend about these missteps that she never even told me about?
— Job Referral
DEAR JOB REFERRAL: Your reputation is everything, and you should not refer her or anyone else unless you can truly vouch for the person.
Speak honestly with this woman. Ask her what she wants for her life and how she plans to get there. Inquire as to what her job search has been thus far.
Unless you were sworn to secrecy about the other attempts, tell her that you know she has shown up late and failed a drug test. Point out that these things torpedo her chances at getting a job and also damage the reputation of the person making the referral.
Tell her you cannot recommend her today, but you are willing to talk to her to help her get her bearings for tomorrow.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I are going through a rough patch, and I just don’t know what to do. He seems to believe that I am cheating on him.
This all started one night when I returned home pretty late from going out with a girlfriend who was visiting. It’s rare that I stay out late drinking or partying.
My spouse knew exactly where I was going and who I’d be with, but when I got home, he demanded to see my phone. I allowed it because I thought he was being ridiculous.
He didn’t find anything suspicious or incriminating, but he’s still been on edge with me since. He’s even been staying overnight at his parents’ place some nights claiming that “it was too late to drive home.”
I’m worried. I’ve tried pleading with him, letting him know there’s nothing going on, but now I fear that he’s just unhappy in our marriage and looking for a reason to leave.
We tried a couple’s therapy session, but he refuses to return. I don’t know what to do.
— Rough Patch
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DEAR ROUGH PATCH: Ask your husband to sit down and have a serious conversation with you. Ask him what is going on and what he wants.
Tell him that you are concerned because it’s obvious that things are tense in your marriage, and you do not know how to fix it. Remind him that he accused you of cheating. Point out that you are not. Is he projecting? Ask him if he is seeing anyone.
Tell him you want to get to the root of the problem, but you cannot fix a problem if you cannot name it.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.