DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently discovered that my girlfriend has been going through my phone when I’m not around.
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At first, I thought maybe I was imagining it, but then I noticed that some of my messages had been opened before I saw them. When I confronted her, she admitted to it and explained that she struggles with trust issues because of past relationships where she was cheated on.
She insists it has nothing to do with me personally, but I can’t help feeling hurt and violated. I’ve never given her a reason to doubt me, and I feel like trust should be the foundation of any relationship.
At the same time, I understand that past experiences can leave scars, and part of me wants to be patient and supportive while she works through her insecurities.
Still, I worry that if this continues, it will create resentment and damage the relationship beyond repair. Is this something we can realistically work through with honest communication, or is it a dealbreaker that shows we’re not on the same page about trust and boundaries?
— Boundaries
DEAR BOUNDARIES: Tell your girlfriend you understand her history with trust and want to empathize with her. At the same time, you need to establish boundaries.
You do not appreciate her sifting through your phone, searching for “gotchas.” Suggest that she talk to you and ask questions when she is feeling vulnerable. You two need to establish a rhythm of being in a relationship.
Snooping and not trusting you will not help to strengthen your bond.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently started budgeting after realizing how much money slips through my fingers each month, especially on little treats like coffee runs, lunches out and takeout.
When I added it all up, I was shocked at how much I’ve been spending without even realizing it. I know I need to be smarter with my money so I can save for my future goals, like building an emergency fund, paying off debt and eventually buying a home.
The problem is that every time I try to cut back, I feel deprived. I don’t want to live a life where I never treat myself, and honestly, those small indulgences bring me joy in the moment.
Still, I can’t shake the guilt that comes after spending on things I don’t technically need.
How do I strike a healthy balance between being financially responsible and still enjoying the present without feeling like I’m constantly punishing myself? I want to develop better habits that last in the long term, but I’m afraid of slipping back into old spending patterns. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just not disciplined enough to manage my money the way I should.
— Strategic Planning
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DEAR STRATEGIC PLANNING: Look at your monthly income and expenses. Figure out how much it’s possible to save if you allow yourself one indulgence per month. Then turn your cost-savings approach into something pleasurable for yourself.
You can use a cute coffee carafe to transport your home-brewed coffee to work, making it feel like a treat. Pack a lunch that you prepare the night before. Prepare something you enjoy eating, so you aren’t depriving yourself even though it comes from home.
Continue thinking like this: What can you do to celebrate yourself and save money?
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.