DEAR HARRIETTE: I am newly engaged. My girlfriend and I had been together for about two years before we decided to move in together, and it’s been almost three years since then.
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I love her dearly, so naturally a proposal felt like the next step.
If I’m being honest, though, a lot of my friends and a few family members have not always been big fans of my fiancee.
Some of them feel that she is not friendly or welcoming and think that she’s too territorial. They worry that because this is my first relationship, perhaps I’m just excited about having someone.
Now that we are in full wedding planning mode, I’m getting a little worried. It’s hard to admit, but I think I am feeling a slight case of cold feet. Did I jump the gun?
Now that we’ve agreed to forever, I’ve been wondering more about the dynamic between my fiancee and my village. Can this work in the long term?
— Cold Feet
DEAR COLD FEET: Here’s where premarital counseling can be helpful. Recommend that you two go to a therapist to talk through your hopes and dreams for the future.
Be open and honest in the conversation with the therapist. Share what you love about your fiancee and what concerns you. Outline your vision of the future and how it includes family and friends, and gain insight from her as to how she feels about that.
The more open you can be during these sessions, the better you will both be able to assess your long-term compatibility.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently received a job offer from another company that comes with a significantly higher salary than what I’m currently making.
The role is in a field I’ve been wanting to move into for years, and while it’s a little intimidating, it genuinely excites me.
When I told my current employer about the offer, they surprised me by countering with a raise that slightly exceeds the other company’s offer.
On paper, it sounds like a win, but here’s the problem: I don’t actually enjoy my current job.
I’ve stayed mostly because I have great relationships with my co-workers. I know the systems inside and out, and it feels stable. The work itself leaves me bored, unmotivated and drained by the end of the day.
Now I feel torn between taking a leap into something new that could be more fulfilling, or staying in a comfortable role for the sake of security and familiar faces.
Should I follow my heart toward the new opportunity or stick with the paycheck and stability I already have?
— At a Crossroads
DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: Is there any way that your current company has space to create a new role for you? Since you have a new job offer with security there, why not speak candidly to your boss?
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Explain that you feel you have outgrown your current job. You appreciate their counteroffer, but what you want more is a different type of opportunity. Find out if you can create a new role for yourself there at the newly offered rate — or if there’s anything they can do to sweeten the pot.
You can also let the other company know that your current employer countered with a higher paycheck. Carefully negotiate to see if you can get a better deal at the new place.
Just be careful not to be too pushy. Ultimately, you should go where you think you will be happiest.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.