DEAR HARRIETTE: A close friend of mine borrowed one of my favorite dresses to wear to a wedding a few weeks ago.
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It wasn’t just any dress: It was expensive, it fits me perfectly and I’ve worn it only a handful of times. When she returned it, I noticed there were several stains on the fabric.
She didn’t mention them, apologize or offer to pay for cleaning. She just handed it back as if nothing was wrong.
At first, I thought maybe she didn’t notice the stains, but they’re impossible to miss.
Now I’m feeling hurt, not just about the dress, but about the lack of respect and acknowledgment. I’m debating whether I should bring it up and risk creating tension, or just let it go to avoid conflict.
Part of me thinks it’s about the principle, not the money, but another part worries I’ll seem petty if I make it an issue.
What’s the best way to handle this without damaging the friendship — or my bank account?
— Dirty Dress
DEAR DIRTY DRESS: Speak up. Tell your friend you were surprised and disappointed that she returned your dress soiled — without even mentioning the stains — after she borrowed it.
Don’t fret about the tension; it’s already there because you feel it, so you must address it. Tell her you will have it dry cleaned and let her know the cost.
If she tries to shrug it off, you can say this is exactly why you don’t like to lend your clothing. You don’t want friction between the two of you, but you do expect your things to be treated with respect.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My son recently lost his job and asked if he, his wife and their two young children could move in with me for a few months while they get back on their feet.
I love my son and my grandkids dearly and I want to help them, but the idea of having four extra people in my house, especially two energetic children, feels overwhelming.
I’ve been living alone for years and value my peace, privacy and quiet routines. I worked hard to get to a point where my home feels like my sanctuary, and I’m afraid I’ll lose that if I say yes.
On the other hand, if I say no, I worry it will cause tension and hurt feelings, or make me seem selfish and uncaring.
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I’m torn between wanting to protect my own space and wanting to be a supportive mother and grandmother. How can I have this conversation in a way that sets boundaries but still shows love and compassion as I do want to help them out during this difficult time?
— Moving Back Home
DEAR MOVING BACK HOME: Go with your gut. If you don’t think you can handle the stress and bustle of four people in your house for what will likely be more than a few months, say no. Instead, if you have any money you can give them to help pay for rent somewhere for a few months, offer that.
If they get to the point of potential homelessness, reconsider your position. Even then, create boundaries so that you don’t lose your peace entirely.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.