DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently, I saw that one of my cousins came out on social media.
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She posted a photo of herself and a partner kissing, and a lot of her friends were commenting, congratulating them and admiring their courage.
My cousin is 11. Some of the photos are of her and her partner holding hands, some show kissing and some seem set at home or in their rooms. I don’t think kissing or cuddling is appropriate or necessary at that age, especially if parents aren’t aware.
Part of me wants to share with her mom, but I don’t want to expose something that my cousin isn’t ready to share yet.
Aside from the young age, there is the layer of her sexuality. We grew up in a religious family, and I’m not sure of her mom’s views in that regard. Would she be ready to accept this?
I feel torn because I think her mom should have the chance to talk to her about her developing romantic feelings, but I don’t want to put my cousin in a vulnerable position. What would you do?
— Coming Out
DEAR COMING OUT: First, think about yourself at your cousin’s age. Many children have their first crushes at about the same time. Sexual attraction can start way before that.
It is not unusual for 11-year-olds to be exploring their sexuality. The fact that your cousin put it on social media means that she is not trying to hide her identity.
Yet, as you point out, it may be difficult to discuss with her parents. Since you saw it, would you be willing to talk to her first? Let her know you saw her post and ask her to talk to you about her life. Get a sense of what’s going on. Also, tell her that she needs to talk to her mom.
Let her know you feel that it’s your responsibility to show the post to her mom, but you wanted to talk to her first. At least in this way, she won’t be blindsided when her mom brings it to her attention.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m trying to find a balance between respecting boundaries and being vigilant. I believe a friend of mine is struggling with depression.
This is someone I used to talk to every day and see at least once a week. I know that sounds excessive, but she was just very present.
In the past two years, she has experienced a lot of loss, change and upheaval, and I can see that it’s taken a toll on her.
We’ve talked about how it’s affected her, and I thought those conversations were a sign of healing, but lately, she has shut everyone out. She has disappeared from social media, never answers phone calls and only seldomly responds to texts. When I ask if she’d be open to spending time together, even if just silently, she says she’d rather be alone.
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Her mom is worried, and so am I. How can I be there for a friend who doesn’t want to be around anyone?
— Isolation
DEAR ISOLATION: You can’t force your friend to talk to you. You can continue to let her know you love her and want to be there for her.
Try to visit her. Call her regularly, even if you get voicemail. Stay in touch with her mother. Keep her in prayer.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.