DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been together for about four years now, and we finally decided to move in together about a month ago.
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Unfortunately, my partner smokes cigarettes at night. He insists that it’s the only thing that helps him sleep. I’ve encouraged him to try melatonin, different teas and even therapy, but he chooses to stick with his cigarettes.
I’ve always known this about him, but now that we live together, it bothers me more than in the past; I had never actually seen him smoke a cigarette until now. It rubs me the wrong way for a number of reasons, and I don’t know what to do about it, seeing as I’ve let it go on for so long.
Can I demand that he quit a habit I’ve been sort of complicit in for the past four years?
— Smoking Habit
DEAR SMOKING HABIT: Smoking is an addiction, so it’s not a simple thing to get someone to quit. What you may be able to do is to put some boundaries around this behavior.
You can request no smoking inside the house so that your home does not smell like smoke. You can also request that he brush his teeth and wash his face after smoking so that the residue of smoke doesn’t end up in your bed.
In the end, if it really is too much for you to handle, this could be a deal-breaker for your relationship — or at least for the two of you to live together.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I work remotely, and while I’ve enjoyed the flexibility and freedom it provides, I’ve started to feel increasingly isolated and unmotivated.
At first, it felt like a dream: no commute, more control over my schedule and the comfort of home. Lately, I’ve noticed that I’m missing the daily interactions, spontaneous conversations and overall sense of community that comes from being in a physical workspace.
Most of my communication with co-workers is confined to emails or scheduled video calls, which makes it hard to feel connected to the team. I find myself feeling drained and uninspired, even though I still like the actual work I do. Some days, I barely speak to anyone at all, and I’ve started to worry that this lack of connection is taking a toll on my mental health and productivity.
I’ve been thinking about looking for a hybrid position, something that would offer a better balance between remote work and in-person interaction, but I’m not sure if that’s the right move or if I need to adjust my current routine.
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How can I stay connected, motivated and productive in a remote setting, or is it time to consider a change?
— Isolated
DEAR ISOLATED: Working remotely does not work for everyone, as you are seeing. Yes, it is smart to look for another job that is better balanced for your needs.
Meanwhile, schedule after-work activities that put you in the company of other people. Join a book club that meets in person. Volunteer at a local museum or retirement home. Take an art class. Don’t sit at home alone. Put yourself out there with others.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.