DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m the pastor of a medium-sized church (about 500 members), with five other ministers on staff as well.
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This summer, while I was on vacation, a church member harshly criticized the staff for not noticing she’d been gone for eight Sundays. This young woman blasted us for this oversight in an extended rant on social media.
In our defense, we don’t take roll, and the weeks she was gone coincided with vacations for many other members and church employees.
Since she had “unfriended” the entire staff, we only heard about this rant when a couple of church members mentioned it and sent us a copy of it. Several other members responded to her post, defending the staff and questioning the wisdom of this venue for criticism. No one else is upset, nor did it cause much of a ripple in our communal life.
My deacon chair encouraged me not to respond, and I have not.
I didn’t think it was fair of her to blast us so publicly; I would have considered this woman a friend prior to this. It bothers me that this criticism goes unchallenged, but this kind of immaturity is likely apparent to most readers.
Should I respond? I could certainly apologize for not noticing her absence, but I doubt I could also tactfully say that I thought her post was rude and unfair.
GENTLE READER: Or you could respond in the form of a question to Miss Manners. Except that she would have to point out that doing so is merely a new form of rudeness — like the young woman’s online post.
She is not accusing you of this; she takes your question as genuine. But she would certainly not recommend that you respond to the original provocation.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do people owe you the favor of letting you know that you are on speakerphone?
It’s often difficult to tell from background sounds. If someone else is in the room but out of earshot, then speakerphone is probably OK. But if I am telling someone something meant for only their ears, that’s a problem.
In one instance, I started talking about a secret gift, not knowing that the recipient was in the room until the person I’d called told me that I was on speaker. I’d had no idea.
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Should I just ask each time I’m on the phone?
GENTLE READER: One should warn the other person on the phone that they are on speaker for the same reason a good host should smooth the rug when she sees it has curled over and is likely to trip the next guest who passes by: It is less work than picking up the pieces later.
If the people you are calling do not know this, then yes — Miss Manners would get in the habit of asking.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.