DEAR HARRIETTE: I have always prioritized my credit. For our entire relationship, I have known that my fiance has been working on improving his credit, eliminating debts and being more fiscally responsible.
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Months ago, when he proposed to me, some of my fears came up and we discussed that I’d be more comfortable with a wedding date that’s further out so we can really focus on improving his credit before tying the knot. He agreed.
Last night, he asked if I would add him to some of my credit cards in order to positively impact his score. I am not willing to do that, and he called me selfish. It was piercing.
I know that we are entering a union, but I think it is important that he do this work of resolving an issue that he caused. And, honestly, I want to protect what I’ve built over the years. Am I selfish for that?
— Indebted
DEAR INDEBTED: You have to decide what constitutes a dealbreaker in your relationship and marriage.
Having strong credit certainly is important for a comfortable life. Starting out with rocky credit is not a sign of stability, but what do you need in order to feel comfortable marrying this man?
Are you willing to cover for him in this important arena? Have you talked to him in detail about how he ended up with bad credit in the first place?
People rarely change dramatically, which means there is a good chance that your partner’s financial habits will follow him into your marriage. Are you willing to live with that? If not, make it clear what he needs to do before you walk down the aisle. That includes repairing his credit on his own. Period.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is obsessed with finding a partner. I try to reassure her that these things will happen when the time is right, but she insists on making this happen for herself. I am worried about her.
She is currently on at least three dating apps, talking to several guys at once, dating new people every week.
I recognize that this version of dating is sort of the new normal, but I want her safety to come first. I get antsy every time she tells me she’s going out with someone new. Not to mention how hooked she is to her phone now. I can barely speak to her without one of these apps chiming and stealing away her attention.
This just doesn’t seem healthy to me. How can I express that to her without sounding like a typical overprotective mother?
— Dating Strangers
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DEAR DATING STRANGERS: Sit down with your daughter and tell her you are concerned about her and her current dating strategy.
Acknowledge that she gets credit for being proactive, but also note that it is hard to figure out if you like someone if you are juggling so many suitors. Encourage her to slow down.
Ask if she has a list of qualities she wants in a partner. Encourage her to review that list as she meets people and to eliminate those who veer far off from her values. Suggest that she give herself enough breathing room to determine if someone is interesting enough.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.