Dear Eric: When my wife and I updated our wills, she designated a diamond tennis bracelet and diamond stud earrings to her niece (she had no biological children of her own).
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Later that month my wife was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, to which she would succumb 19 months later. My daughter (my wife’s stepdaughter) is a radiation oncologist and became our daily advocate as we navigated the byzantine world of cancer treatment.
Shortly after my wife’s diagnosis, her niece became engaged, and it was my wife’s one wish that she live long enough that we could attend her niece’s wedding, which we did.
At no time during my wife’s illness did the niece reach out to her, that I know of, other than to visit during the final two weeks with her parents, looking bored the whole time.
That year, I arranged a two-day celebration of life. I sent out invitations and asked for RSVPs. The niece’s mother told me that they (she, my wife’s brother and the niece) would, unfortunately, not be able to attend as the niece was pregnant and the second day of the celebration fell on the day they decided to have the reveal party for the baby, even though they knew of the celebration of life even before the pregnancy was announced.
While my wife had designated her niece as the recipient of the bracelet and earrings I, still having complete control of the will, would like to give those items to our daughter.
She was there daily, for which my wife was more than appreciative, and I do believe in my heart that had my wife known how poorly her niece behaved during her illness and following her death she would want our daughter to have those items too.
So, what do I do, honor my wife’s wishes as she declared them before becoming ill or do what I think she would have wanted based on the niece’s behavior during her illness and after?
– Missed Inheritance
Dear Inheritance: Honor your wife’s wishes. Withholding the bracelet isn’t going to change the past and it isn’t going to do what you really want: allow your wife to have received the love that she offered to the niece.
I would presume that there are other items in your wife’s estate that you can give to your daughter. I also hope that your daughter knows how meaningful her presence was to you and to your wife during her illness. And it won’t hurt to tell her again.
But think of the tennis bracelet as a gift, freely given without expectation. Your wife loved her niece. As with any other relationship, theirs was unique. It’s possible you don’t know every detail of it. But, even if you do, trust the feelings that your wife had.
The gift of the bracelet doesn’t absolve the niece. However, by honoring your wife’s wishes, you allow more of the beauty that she brought into the world to flourish.
Dear Eric: We have a super bad case of favoritism in my husband’s family.
He is the eldest and was passed over by his mother, who gave every valuable item to her second son. My mother-in-law made a terrible show of slam-dunking her nicer silver on the younger brother as if to say my husband did not qualify for it somehow.
The result has been that I established my own serving items despite feeling ripped off on the traditional silver heirlooms we had been promised.
Our problem is that his mother has become a thief and cheers herself up by stealing from us. She makes it clear that she perceives herself as judge and jury: We didn’t deserve her passalongs, and now we don’t deserve our own store-bought items.
How does one deal with a rotten egg like this? She doesn’t want us (or me, as the unworthy daughter-in-law) to have a sou!
We are taking precautions against financial/identity theft. We should be able to enjoy our consolation silver however we want without nailing it down.
– Silver for Spite
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Dear Silver: I don’t want to sound trite here, but your best solution is only to eat out at restaurants with your mother-in-law. That way, if she’s stealing, it’s not from you (and I doubt a restaurant manager is going to let her go scot-free).
Sometimes we’re powerless against family toxicity and so the best course of action is setting a boundary. Often, those boundaries are emotional, but I think physical boundaries are also useful here.
Your mother-in-law is not only creating emotional chaos in the family, but she’s committing crimes in your home. Don’t give her the opportunity. As with any other hostage-taker, emotional or otherwise, sometimes the best meeting place is a neutral one.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.