DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have mulled over this question for years, and have seen both sides. But generally, I believe it sounds weird and mildly insulting to refer to a serving tray as a “silver-plated serving tray” — especially when it was a gift.
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This happened to my mother-in-law, whom I loved and cherished.
She was widowed at a young age and worked hard to have a modest income. She managed to have a pleasant, happy life — it was just her and her son (my husband). She also had amazing taste and always worked hard to give thoughtful gifts.
Her brother was very affluent, and after he passed away, my MIL had a tense relationship with his wife and kids. There was a lot of jealousy and resentment. When his daughter got married, my MIL didn’t attend the wedding, but sent a lovely serving tray as a gift.
The bride sent a thank-you card saying, “Thank you for the silver-plated tray.”
Was that a veiled insult? My mother-in-law was very hurt and offended, and that sealed it. She had nothing more to do with her brother’s family.
When I wrote my thank-you letters for my wedding gifts, I never mentioned what the gifts were made of. But I still keep wondering if it was rude or not.
GENTLE READER: It would be of no help, Miss Manners supposes, for her to point out that silver plate can be valuable, even (in the case of early Sheffield pieces) more so than certain items of sterling silver.
The distinction that should have been made here is between a mere description, a possible slight and an insult so vicious as to require a family rupture. The benefit of the doubt would have been the best choice.
But rather than ponder this, you could have urged your mother-in-law not to react as she did, but to let it go — or, if that was not possible, to ask the niece if she was unhappy with the present.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I found my that my wife and I were to be seated separately at a party, I would move my place card or leave the party with her.
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Miss Manners: The bride screwed up. What can she say to smooth things over?
There are two primary duties that married couples — and, arguably, dating couples — have that supersede their “duty” to the host of a gathering: protection of and fidelity to their spouse, neither of which is served by splitting couples up. Parties are often not safe in either respect, especially when alcohol is involved.
GENTLE READER: It is not clear whether the problem here is that your acquaintances are dangerous, your wife is untrustworthy, or that all of you are apt to drink out of control. Perhaps it is all of these.
Miss Manners can offer you only her sympathy. General social customs presuppose people of goodwill, not such extreme and unfortunate cases.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.