Dear Eric: My older sister and I are in our 40s. Our still-married parents have been fighting since the late 1980s.
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A few years ago, I wrote to an advice columnist about our difficult relationship. He responded to the letter. I emailed my sister the column and said, “We should talk.” She responded, “No! Not interested!” Then she cut me out of communication.
I did not comment on the column online, but I did comment on subsequent articles, identifying myself as the letter writer. I wrote that my sister takes after my mother, screams at my father, and I don’t know why either husband tolerates it.
Earlier this year, I was at my cousin’s wedding where I saw my sister for the first time in years. She was cordial but cold to me. When I asked my brother-in-law what the deal was, he said that I had been “rude to them for years and that this might be irreparable.”
I didn’t realize they had been following the column and reading the comments.
I don’t understand why the initial advice column made her cut me off. I am unsure what exact comments she did not like, and why she didn’t just contact me to have a conversation?
My mom is unaware of the reasons for the rift. She says, “It is a shame you two do not talk, but it is probably her fault as nobody likes her.”
I wrote to my sister, trying to repair this, saying I want her back, but she has not responded. What should I do?
– Sad Brother
Dear Brother: It’s probably jarring to read about oneself in an advice column to which one did not write, even if the intention is good. It’s likely even more jarring to read an ongoing comments section detailing one’s faults. So, part of the issue is a feeling of public shaming.
I wouldn’t send this one to her.
Your sister has a narrative about your relationship that’s totally different from yours. Some of this is natural, of course. We’re all the stars of our own shows. But it’s clear that your sister has something in her mind that you’ve done wrong. It likely predates the column.
And, from your telling, you have things in mind that she’s done wrong. The berating, for one. And whatever it is that you wrote to the initial advice column about.
So, your sister may be intuiting judgment from you, even though you’re trying to extend an olive branch. The best thing you can do is apologize and respect her boundaries.
Dear Eric: I’m on a condo board with a couple of men who seem very controlling and regularly impugn my honesty. This is extremely uncomfortable. I’m not sure how to respond.
For example, we had a meeting and one of them said we never have discussed these topics at this kind of meeting. I’m the secretary. I said look at last year’s special meeting after the annual election. You will see that we had some old business, new business and an executive session after the election of officers.
Instead of saying, “I’m sorry, I guess I was just mistaken,” he said, “Well, I’ll look it up.”
This person doesn’t always respond to questions or information. I recognize that most of this is probably his issue, not mine. But it is very aggravating to have somebody frequently questioning my motives, my integrity or the information that I provide.
Nobody else steps up and says stop it. If I say that’s inappropriate or request that he handle things differently, then I am berated.
I’m not sure what to do with his confrontational behavior. Please, give me suggestions other than just ignoring him.
– Avoiding Condo Boorishness
Dear Avoiding: Some of the biggest obstacles to condo and HOA boards are the Three Ps: parking, pets and people. You’ve got a people problem which, to my mind, can be the most vexing.
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One suggestion is to make addressing this behavior part of the new business. A board governs the running and maintenance of the building, but it also governs itself. So, putting in place guidelines for respectful discourse and consequences for failing to show respect falls within the board’s purview.
Admittedly, this might escalate things, but if you’re being berated publicly and no one is coming to your aid or stopping this inappropriate behavior, then this is more than just a problem between you and him. It’s an issue with the board.
Now, if the board is made up of more boors than just the one, this may not be a workable solution. Other options: telling him “we can speak like adults when you calm down, but until then we can’t be in communication;” or, if your condominium works with a management company, ask them if they provide mediation or conflict resolution assistance.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.