Dear Eric: I don’t suppose I am the only one who feels ghosted by friends and family in their slow response time to texts.
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I am curious as to what is the courteous time to respond to texts.
I have friends who respond in minutes and family members who respond in an hour, which I find courteous.
I am more concerned about those who take hours, and some take days. It really is concerning when I answer their text questions promptly and then am ghosted for hours or days wondering what they thought of my answers.
I feel ghosted. Why did they ask for my input and then they don’t respond for hours or days.
I am just curious if I should not even text these friends and family and instead pick up the phone and call them the old-fashioned way, knowing I probably will get their voicemail.
– Ghosted
Dear Ghosted: This may be an unpopular opinion for some, but I’m a big fan of a phone call, especially if you need a quicker answer and the person is a slow texter. You might also try a voice note, to which some people respond more quickly than they do a text.
I’d encourage you to reframe your thinking about this. While it may feel like ghosting – and it’s certainly frustrating to not get replies to texts for hours or days – in most cases it’s probably less about you than it is about the way the person you texted uses their phone.
Texting is prevalent these days but it’s not particularly natural for everyone. Many people’s schedules or lives or temperaments aren’t set up to respond at a moment’s notice, in writing to boot. It’s very different from swinging by someone’s cubicle at work or talking to a neighbor on the porch.
So, when you’re finding yourself not getting the response you want, consider that it’s not a rejection but rather simply information about how the text recipient moves through the world. This person may not be a good texter; that doesn’t make them a bad friend, per se.
Dear Eric: Nearly eight months ago, my 81-year-old brother lashed out saying hateful and hurtful things about our youngest sister.
At the time, I suspected he was drunk and probably frustrated from the repeated episodes of our sister’s illnesses and problems, some of which have been caused by her own serious eating disorder, depression and occasional binge drinking.
I have never mentioned the fracture in our relationship to our sister and am grateful that they continue to have some sort of relationship.
Recently, we were planning to welcome my three nieces for a visit. Before their arrival, my brother texted me with thanks for inviting him to join us for dinner and games, but we had neither shared our plans nor invited him. My sister, in ignorance of the rift, had told him that our nieces were coming to town.
My wife and I are at a loss. We can request that he explain his side of the silence or apologize for his hateful words. But truthfully, his apology won’t erase the vehemence of his words primarily directed at our sister. I don’t ever want her to know what he said.
I understand that it takes much courage to admit one’s failings. I recognize how powerful it is to show grace when it’s easier to cling to resentment. But my brother’s actions have been speaking volumes.
I could use some advice because I’m pretty sure my nieces will ask about their uncle, and I have already spent too much time fretting over his text.
– Not Invited
Dear Invited: Whether motivated by alcohol abuse, frustration or anything else, your brother’s vitriol wasn’t appropriate, and you don’t need to stand for it.
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It’s perfectly fine to reply to the text by telling him that you, your sister and your nieces made plans and that you’d like to stick to what you’d planned. He doesn’t get to dictate the terms of your get-together.
You can also let him know that, while you appreciate him reaching out, the two of you need to have a conversation before you can socialize again. This isn’t meant to punish him, rather it’s a way for you to hold a healthy boundary.
You can also tell your nieces and your sister that, should they ask. If you’re aware of these traits of his, then they likely are, too. Even if they aren’t, it’s sometimes better to be honest and succinct rather than grinning and bearing it. Tell them, “We’re not in a good place right now and I hope that he’s able to work on it with me. I don’t want this to cast a pall over our weekend. People don’t always agree, but I’m not asking you to take sides.”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.