DEAR HARRIETTE: I come from a big family. I have six siblings, and I’ve tried to stay close to them despite our differences.
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Over the years, I’ve worked hard to build a stable and successful career for myself. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished, especially because we didn’t grow up with much.
Lately, my success has started to feel like a burden rather than a blessing. Because I make more money than my siblings, they constantly come to me for help, asking for loans to cover bills or expecting me to foot the bill whenever we go out.
At first, I didn’t mind pitching in here and there — I love my family, and I know they’ve struggled — but now it’s becoming overwhelming.
Some of my siblings have come to rely on me without trying to improve their own situations. When I say no or try to set boundaries, they make me feel guilty or call me selfish.
I don’t want to create tension in the family, but I also can’t be everyone’s safety net forever. How do I support my family without sacrificing my own peace of mind or financial stability?
— Family Bank
DEAR FAMILY BANK: Set aside a specific amount of money that you are willing to share with your family. Let them know that you have allocated limited resources to help them, but when it’s gone, they are on their own.
You can set up benchmarks for how much they get and when, but essentially you have to stop the bleed. Being firm while remaining generous is a way you can live with yourself and help them to become more independent.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I work in a supporting role in the entertainment industry. With the work I do and the reputation my company has in this industry, I have met a lot of celebrities and high-profile individuals.
A friend of mine is currently looking for new job opportunities and shared what her ultimate dream job would be — it happens to be with a brand I’ll be working with in the next few weeks.
She asked if I could share their contact information with her, but I’m not comfortable with that.
I do not want to ruffle feathers or compromise my own position. In the same breath, I want to be a resource for qualified friends in need.
While I have been in touch with individuals at this brand, we have not built a close enough rapport for me to refer a friend or make a direct connection.
How can I help my friend without sacrificing a client’s privacy?
— Degrees of Separation
DEAR DEGREES OF SEPARATION: It sounds like you are too new in your role — at least with this brand — to be able to make a referral or recommendation for your friend.
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Tell her the truth: As much as you want to help her, now would not work. You have to prove yourself on the job and build a rapport with your clients before introducing them to other people. Your friend may get mad, but it is essential for you to live and work based on your principles.
If you want to work in that industry, you have to build trust, which happens over time. Being in a supporting role can be pivotal in your organization if you are able to be discreet, trustworthy and honorable.
That doesn’t mean you can never help your friends. You will know when the time is right to do that.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.