DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m supposed to be going on a girls’ trip later this year. A college friend of mine planned the entire thing months in advance and shared a guest list, itinerary and budget with all of us.
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We were using an online group chat to communicate updates and keep track of payments and things like that.
The other day, I noticed that someone I do not get along with was added to the chat. I was pretty surprised since my friend who’s planning the trip knows about the tension between us.
I wish my friend had asked me if I felt comfortable before she extended an invitation to this person.
I paid my deposit in full months ago and was under the impression that the trip was at capacity.
If I back out now, I’ll lose a hefty deposit, but if I go, I may not enjoy myself. This feels like a lose-lose situation. Any advice?
— Uncomfortable Vacation
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE VACATION: Call the organizer and ask how and when this person got added to the list. Explain that you were unpleasantly surprised to see that name in the group chat as you would not have agreed to go on the trip if you knew she was invited.
Under the circumstances, ask the organizer for your deposit back. Stand your ground, saying that this is no longer the trip you signed up for.
If you are unable to get a refund, decide whether you can go anyway and just avoid being with that person, or if you’d rather just forfeit the money.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I always feel pressure to be the “strong one” in my friend group.
I’m the one everyone turns to when they’re falling apart; I’m a level-headed, reliable friend who gives advice, calms tensions and somehow always knows what to say.
I genuinely care about my friends and want to be there for them, but lately, I’ve been feeling emotionally drained. It’s like I’m carrying everyone else’s baggage while trying to juggle my own behind the scenes.
What people forget is that I’m still figuring out life, too. I don’t have it all together, I just got good at pretending. It’s my first time being in my 30s, navigating work stress, relationships and everything in between.
Some days, I wish someone would check in on me, ask how I’m doing or offer me advice for once. I don’t know how to ask for that without sounding like I’m being dramatic or needy.
How do I let my friends know I need support, too? How do I stop being the strong one when all I want is to be held for a change?
— Feeling Vulnerable
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DEAR FEELING VULNERABLE: The only way your friends will learn of your needs is if you tell them directly.
Choose one friend you think will listen. Sit down with them and say that you need to share something important. Explain that you know you come off as the one who has it all together, but that is not always true.
Reveal that you need your friends’ support. You need their wisdom, a shoulder to cry on and a heartfelt hug. Make it clear that you are feeling vulnerable right now and you need your friends to have your back.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.