DEAR HARRIETTE: My eldest daughter is in a relationship with someone who is nearly twice her age.
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She is 23, so when she shared the news with me that she was dating someone seriously, I was happy for her. She lives with me, and I’d see flowers being delivered and hear long-winded phone calls.
She told me that things were serious between the two of them; I asked if I’d be meeting him soon. She told me she was nervous because there are things about him that I may not like. That’s when she admitted that he’s 40 years old. I am only 48!
So, yes, I find it strange that a man nearly my age finds interest in my daughter who only just finished college. Her life has barely begun.
Needless to say, I expressed my disapproval to my daughter and tried to explain why I find it inappropriate. I explained that it may seem nice now because he can offer stability and seems further ahead than she is, but there is no need for her to yearn for those things just yet.
She’s still dating him, and her choice has put a strain on our relationship. How can I get through to her?
— Older Man
DEAR OLDER MAN: Tread lightly. People who feel they are in love rarely listen to criticism about their relationship. That goes double for young adults and their parents.
Remind your daughter that you love her and you’re here for her.
You are not wrong to have some concerns. I can also tell you that I know couples of similar age gaps who have made it work. Indeed, a close friend of mine married a man more than 20 years her senior, and he just passed away after more than 30 years of marriage. On the flip side, I know a woman who married a man 20 years her senior and is now basically serving as his caregiver.
Who knows what your daughter’s fate will be?
DEAR HARRIETTE: Thank you for the beautiful tribute to your mother. You gave all your readers the gift of getting to know her just a little. May we all be remembered the way you honored her in your remembrance.
I’m putting this in my quote book, along with your name and hers: “Have faith. Keep good company. Stand up for what you believe. Be able to support yourself. Be beautiful from the inside out.” I plan to share those sentiments with my family this week especially, as my son graduates college and is setting off in the world.
Thank you for your generosity in sharing your mom with us. Wishing you and your family lots of comfort in the wonderful memories you have of Doris Irene Freeland Cole.
— Your Reader, Vicki
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DEAR VICKI AND ALL OF MY READERS WHO HAVE EXPRESSED CONDOLENCES: Thank you for your kind words and loving sentiments. We had a glorious weekend of celebration in her honor, complete with many former kindergarten students — now all senior citizens — who shared how profoundly my mother had impacted their lives.
My sisters and I are buoyed by the abundance of loving support we continue to receive. We send our love to anyone who has lost a loved one during this season.
The cycle of life continues with birth and death, joy and sorrow. May we all find peace in rejoicing in the love that makes it possible for us to go on, even during tender times.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.