DEAR HARRIETTE: How do I stop settling for emotionally unavailable people just because I’m afraid of being alone?
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I’ve noticed a pattern in my dating life. All the men I go out with seem to have a few things in common: They refuse to commit, they’re always “too busy,” and they rarely put in the effort to truly get to know me or make me feel valued.
At first, they show just enough interest to keep me hooked, but eventually I end up feeling like I’m the one doing all the emotional labor. It’s exhausting, and honestly, it hurts.
The worst part is, I see the red flags early on, but I stay anyway because a part of me fears that if I let go, there won’t be anyone else.
I don’t want to keep choosing people who treat me like an afterthought, but I don’t know how to break out of this cycle. How can I stop mistaking breadcrumbs for love and start believing I deserve more?
— Seeking True Love
DEAR SEEKING TRUE LOVE: Make a list of the traits you value in a relationship.
What do you want from a partner? Be specific about the qualities that make you happy and what you do not like. Based upon past experience, recall situations that bothered you. What were the warning signs that something wasn’t right?
As you meet other men, observe their behaviors. Notice what you like and what you don’t. Take your time getting to know someone. Be honest about what you want in a relationship, and ask what he wants as well. Then watch to see how the person behaves.
Take your time. Don’t go all in until the person has proven to be worthy of your love.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I live in New York City, and while I love it here, the cost of living is brutal, especially when it comes to my social life.
Most of my friends make significantly more money than me, and they often plan expensive dinners, weekend getaways or nights out that I can’t afford.
I don’t want to seem cheap, broke or like I’m not fun, but I also can’t keep draining my bank account just to keep up. I feel this growing pressure to say yes to everything just to maintain my friendships, and it’s starting to take a toll on me financially and emotionally.
I’ve started turning down plans with vague excuses, but then I feel guilty or left out when I see everyone posting about it later. I wish I could be honest without feeling like I’m putting a spotlight on my financial situation or making others uncomfortable.
— Can’t Keep Up
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DEAR CAN’T KEEP UP: Be honest with your friends. It may be uncomfortable, but you need to be realistic.
If these people are to remain your friends, they need to know your circumstances. You also must accept that you cannot do everything with them, and that’s OK.
Expand your friend group to include people who are closer to your level financially so that you can socialize without going broke. Also, research free activities in New York City. While the city is expensive, you will be surprised at how many free cultural events occur all the time all over the city.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.