DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom’s friend is on the hunt for a nice wife for his son and thinks I’d be a great fit.
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This matchmaker is an older man I know from church; I’ve never met his son. My mom asked if I’d be open to hanging out with him and his family just to meet the son and see how I feel.
I thought it would be awkward to say no and see the dad at church every week, so I agreed.
After meeting the son and realizing he wasn’t the guy for me, I decided it was probably a bad call to agree to this old-fashioned supervised blind date. Ever since we all had lunch, his dad has been sending me kind text messages and apparently asks my mom for updates.
He’s told my mom that his son is interested in getting to know me better, but I find it strange that he’s looking for love through his father. For me, that’s a no-no. Why didn’t he at least have the courage to say that to me on that bizarre first date?
I’ve lost all interest (not that I ever had any), but I don’t even know who to reject at this point.
— Arrangement Gone Bad
DEAR ARRANGEMENT GONE BAD: Is this man from a culture that values arranged marriage? If so, that’s possibly why they are using this strategy with you.
Since that doesn’t seem to be how you operate, respectfully tell whoever contacts you next that in order for you to figure out if you even like this man, you have to build a relationship with him. If you are willing to talk to him or go out with him again, tell his father or your mother that this suitor needs to step up and make his own move.
The young man may be introverted or otherwise socially ill at ease. You can give him a second chance, but not in a way that makes you uncomfortable.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m the friend who always listens, gives thoughtful advice and shows up for others, no matter what I have going on. I genuinely care about the people in my life, and I take pride in being someone they can rely on.
Lately, I’ve realized that my energy isn’t being returned. When I’m struggling or going through something, no one really checks in on me. It’s like people assume I’m always fine because I seem strong or emotionally put-together, but the truth is, I’m not.
I don’t want to come off as needy or make people feel like I’m keeping score, but I’m starting to feel invisible in the friendships I give the most to.
How do I bring this up without sounding bitter or dramatic, and how do I start prioritizing my own emotional needs for once?
I’ve started pulling away a little just to see if anyone notices, and honestly, it’s been quiet. That silence is louder than I expected, and it hurts more than I want to admit.
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I’m scared that if I stop being the supportive one, I won’t have a place in these friendships at all.
— Isolated
DEAR ISOLATED: It may be time for new friends. More, though, you need to figure out what you need to be happy from the inside out. Nobody else can fill that hole.
Figure out what you want and need to be happy and what you want from friends. Moving forward, make that clear to people who are part of your life.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.