DEAR HARRIETTE: Throughout my entire pregnancy, my mom treated me badly.
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I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant, and she was not happy. Not only was I not married, but I wasn’t in a particularly stable relationship either. She held a grudge, probably out of shame or embarrassment. She barely spoke to me, and when she did, she was not kind.
Eventually, I decided to stop letting shame rule me, and that’s when things got more combative between us. We’d argue because I didn’t want to hear her shrewish comments all day. So I moved out.
My daughter is now 5 months old. My mom constantly calls and offers to help, but I still have a lot of resentment for how she treated me during the pregnancy.
Should I forgive her and move forward for the sake of my daughter?
— Grandma’s Grudge
DEAR GRANDMA’S GRUDGE: You are probably right that it took your mother a bit to get real about your situation.
It can be hard for a mother to witness what could be a big challenge for her daughter. That said, it sounds like she is making the effort to come around. That’s a good thing.
You should forgive her, as forgiveness frees you from pain. You should talk to her; let her know that she hurt you during that incredibly vulnerable time in your life and that you need to know that she will make the effort to be kind and respectful if she gets involved in your life now.
Ask her to promise you that. Then welcome her into your family.
DEAR HARRIETTE: A few weeks ago, one of my closest friends came to me asking if I thought she should break up with her boyfriend of two years.
Their relationship had been rocky for a long time — she’d vented to me about the constant arguments, feeling unappreciated and how stuck she felt. She seemed truly torn but also emotionally drained.
After listening to everything, I told her that if she wasn’t happy and didn’t see a future with him, it might be time to let go.
She ended up breaking up with her boyfriend, and now she’s mad at me. She says she misses him terribly and that I “pushed” her into ending it.
I’ve tried to remind her that it was ultimately her decision and that I was just being supportive and honest based on what she had told me. She keeps making snide comments like, “Well, you got what you wanted,” as if I broke them up myself.
I feel awful that she’s hurting but also a little confused and hurt myself.
I thought I was being a good friend. Was I wrong to give my opinion?
— In the Middle
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DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Apologize to your friend for getting involved in her relationship at all.
Remind her that you answered a question that she asked you directly. Still, it is not your business, and you won’t make that mistake again.
Rarely does it work for people to give input into their friends’ love lives. It’s best to keep your opinion to yourself — unless you feel your friend is in real danger. Then it’s worth it to lose a friend to save a life.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.