DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m currently caught in a battle between my sister and my wife.
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My sister is getting married soon and, unfortunately, does not want my wife to attend.
My sister has always been rather protective or defensive of me, and about a year ago, after taking a trip together, she decided that she thinks my wife is self-centered.
At first, I laughed it off because I disagree. But throughout the year, I’ve noticed that they don’t talk much anymore, and my sister can be a bit unkind to my wife. Despite the pettiness, my wife has remained respectful.
Recently, I’ve had to speak up about my sister’s behavior because it makes me uncomfortable. I am upset that she is trying to justify her decision to exclude my wife by saying it’s her day and she doesn’t want any drama.
My sister and I have always been close, but I won’t allow her to drive a wedge between me and my wife.
This should be such a joyous occasion. Is there something I can do to get through to my sister? I don’t want her or my wife’s feelings to be hurt.
— Protective Sister
DEAR PROTECTIVE SISTER: Talk to your wife about it. Get her to weigh in.
She knows this is your sister who is getting married. She may welcome not having to go to the wedding and pretending to be comfortable. She may also be perfectly fine with you going. It is your sister, after all.
She also could be hurt or sad that at a family function as important as a wedding, your sister would choose to cut her out.
Decide your next steps based on your conversation with your wife. Just make sure that the two of you are united in your decision, and proceed.
Ultimately, all of you should work hard to get along as you are becoming family. Sometimes it takes a while for the bond to stick.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I fear that I’ve been neglecting my girlfriend. She hasn’t said anything, and I didn’t even notice — my friends did.
Last year, my mom passed away suddenly, and that turned my whole world upside down. My girlfriend was so good to me during that time. She was there for me every single day, taking care of all the things I couldn’t.
Even though it’s been a while, sometimes I still grieve. When I have those hard days, I don’t notice or pay attention to much else.
My friends brought it to my attention that it seems like she is carrying the weight of our relationship. I explained that sometimes it’s hard for me to show up as my best self, and they suggested that I “stop stringing her along.”
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I love her. I am just going through a tough season. Am I selfish for holding on to my girlfriend knowing that I am not the same partner I used to be?
— Selfishly Grieving
DEAR SELFISHLY GRIEVING: Grief does not have a time limit. No, you shouldn’t leave your girlfriend. Instead, talk to her.
Apologize for not being as present as either of you would like. Explain that grieving is taking longer than you imagined. Thank her for being there for you through it all. Pledge to do your best to be more attentive in the days and weeks ahead.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.