DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is in middle school, and I allow her to have social media as long as her mom and I have access to her accounts.
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Earlier this week she posted something rather sexually explicit on her TikTok account. It was a selfie, which is totally normal, but the caption she had written underneath it shocked me. It wasn’t anything a preteen should be saying or posting on the internet.
Her mom and I discussed how to move forward, but when we tried talking to her about where she learned that sort of language, she shut down. She refuses to talk to us about it, so we’ve taken away her privileges to use social media.
Punishment doesn’t seem like the most appropriate response. How can we censor what our child says, does or is exposed to without treating her like a criminal?
— Parental Control
DEAR PARENTAL CONTROL: You cannot control what your daughter is exposed to, but you can teach her what you value.
During this no-social-media phase, continue to try to talk to her, not in judgment, but in fact.
Explain that certain behaviors attract people who may be dangerous for her to know. Language expresses how one sees (and is seen by) the world. Encourage your daughter to use language carefully so that she is accurately reflecting who she is and what she stands for. Remind her that anything she writes or says and publishes online can never be taken back, so she should think carefully before posting. What she posts should always represent her values.
DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my best friends came to town. We’ve known each other since college and have seen each other through a lot of chapters.
I don’t feel like I’m in the best season of my life right now. I think I’m on my way to something great, but the detour has been filled with a lot of challenges, losses, hardships and so much more. My close friends are aware of this.
When this friend came to town, we wanted to meet up and catch up. Before I could give her any updates, she grabbed both my hands and looked into my eyes with sheer joy and told me how proud she is of me. I was surprised because usually these sorts of speeches come after a distinct accomplishment.
I didn’t know what to say, so I giggled a little and looked away. She found my eyes again and pleaded with me, telling me that I’m doing great and that I’ve grown and achieved so much.
I love her dearly and I trust her — so why can’t I think those things about myself? How can I learn to be as proud of myself as she says she is?
— Self-Doubt
DEAR SELF-DOUBT: It can be difficult to feel a sense of pride when things are not stable in your life. That’s when it’s great to be around cheerleaders like your friend.
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It is also wise to count your blessings in a literal way. Write down what you are grateful for in your life, what you have accomplished and what steps you are taking to get to your next destination. Recognizing the little things will help you to notice what you have done that is good.
Ask your friend what she sees in you that makes her proud. Urge her to be honest as you aren’t feeling so proud right now yourself. Really listen and internalize what she has to say.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.