Dear Eric: I am married to my second wife. My only son and his wife live close by, with their two daughters.
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Recently, we bought tickets to an event for the four of us adults to attend. When we gave the tickets to my son and his wife, months ago, they seemed very excited and said they would find a way to get time off from work, find babysitters and attend this event with us. We bought the hotel rooms that would be needed, as well.
My son informed me recently that something has come up, work-related, that he cannot get out of. I am sure this is true.
The problem is this keeps happening. We make plans, they are all in and then something comes up and they have to cancel.
They often ask us to babysit since the granddaughters are too young to stay at home alone. We drop everything and are happy to babysit. We love those little girls.
Still, we feel used and not appreciated. It feels like a one-way street.
My wife loves my son and his family as if they were her own. But she feels like all of the canceled plans are because of her, that they don’t like being around her as much as she likes being around them.
We want to quit giving gifts and quit making plans. Not to be vengeful, we just have been burned so many times now.
Is it wrong to request some time with the adults? Are we being too sensitive about canceled plans? The most recent episode has ruined my wife’s whole weekend. How can we work through this?
– Canceled, Again
Dear Canceled: It feels like a one-way street because it is, and that street leads directly to the raising of your granddaughters, which is what your son and his wife are rightfully focusing on.
A lot of these issues can be chalked up to the difficulty of balancing parenthood with career and life. For many people, especially those with young kids, adult social engagements get the short end of the stick. Please, try not to take it personally.
I’m concerned about the leap to the assumption that they’re avoiding your wife. Why would that be? Isn’t it easier to believe that they simply have a lot going on in life right now?
You and your wife have more capacity for social plans and, presumably, fewer last-minute changes. I know that you’re trying to make it easy for them to say yes to things, from purchasing tickets to arranging hotels, but see if you can lower the bar even more.
What are the plans or gifts that would actually make things easier for your son and daughter-in-law in this phase of life? Maybe getting off of work and finding a babysitter in order to spend time with you feels like another in the long list of responsibilities right now, instead of an escape.
I hope you’ll extend some more empathy to them. Requesting more adult time is fine, but you have to also listen to what they’re requesting of you, too.
Dear Eric: I have been married nearly 35 years. We and my husband’s family all live a few blocks from each other.
My husband’s father passed away a year ago. My husband coordinated a family outing to the beach for Father’s Day.
We found out that his brother hosted his mother and sister for a barbecue down the block after the gathering. We were not invited. His mother said we were invited but we said we hadn’t been because no one texted.
We previously hosted Mother’s Day and a get-together for his brother’s birthday.
What should I do other than shake my head at the blatant disrespect?
– Left Out
Dear Left Out: Well, it depends on what’s really going on here. Is this slight part of an ongoing pattern that has slowly worn you down over the last 35 years? Or is this something new, perhaps related to the relationship between your husband and his brother?
Or is it possible that the brother and mother simply assumed that you and your husband would come over?
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Without more to go on, I have to switch to more general advice for being left out of invitations, particularly with family: Assume the best and communicate the truth as you see it.
You felt disrespected and your feelings are valid, but they’re not going to go away without working through them. Part of that work can be telling your brother-in-law that you would’ve liked to join the barbecue and asking that he text you directly next time.
The second part is crucial – you wouldn’t be simply pointing out a problem in the past, you’d be making a suggestion for a more communicative future.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.